


Smashed

by sinfuldesire_archivist



Category: Supernatural RPF
Genre: Abuse, Angst, Established Relationship, M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2011-05-25
Updated: 2011-09-07
Packaged: 2018-09-03 11:20:23
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 4
Words: 3,943
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8710546
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/sinfuldesire_archivist/pseuds/sinfuldesire_archivist
Summary: ** Written from a pretty dark place, but not on purpose. Hopefully you find that love still relevant even though some hard decisions have been made **





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> Note from the Sinful Desire archivists: this story was originally archived at [Sinful-Desire.org](http://fanlore.org/wiki/Sinful_Desire). To preserve the archive, we began importing its works to the AO3 as an Open Doors-approved project in November 2016. We e-mailed all creators about the move and posted announcements, but may not have reached everyone. If you are (or know) this creator, please contact us using the e-mail address on [Sinful Desire collection profile](http://archiveofourown.org/collections/sinfuldesire/profile).
> 
>  **Author's notes:** ** When it comes to the end, things never end easily **

Jensen clutched at the glass with pain radiating up his arm due to the effort. He tilted his head back and cracked his lips open just enough for the bitter dark fluid to run down into his throat. He was pretty sure that his jaw was broken and he could already feel the beginning of a pounding headache. The slow burn of the whiskey making its way down to his stomach helped to take the presence of the pain away. He could imagine what he must look like. He could still feel the light presence of blood dribbling down from his nose. One of his eyes felt as though it had been pulled from his eye socket and he was unable to open it. The other he could see out of slightly but he wished that he couldn’t. He wished the world would open up and swallow him whole.

 

Movement out of the corner of his good eye caught his attention. He turned towards the open planned hallway to see the vase that had obviously been knocked during the events was now slowly making its way towards the edge of the hallway table. The vase itself was an elegant oriental inspired vase that Jared’s parents had purchased for their Vancouver home. Everything about the petite blue vase in Jensen’s mind was screaming for him to get up and stop it’s progress towards it’s certain demise however Jensen’s emotions held him steadfast and his body was defiant in any request to move at all. The simple movement of turning to take in the destruction around him had send waves of pain throughout his body. He could feel the hot sensation in his back where he was sure pools of internal bleeding would be occurring. At the very least he knew he was going to look like a black and blue cushion.

 

Jensen reached for the glass of whiskey he had set back in front of him on the coffee table. In doing so he noticed the splatters of blood covering his hand. As he brought the hand up to his face he could feel a tear slid from the corner of his eye and dribble down to join what was surely now the drying caked blood. He knew he should wipe it away but he couldn’t bring himself to acknowledge his emotions. This blood on his hand was all that remained of everything that was important to him. The life essence of his one true love.

 

Again Jensen reached for the whiskey glass and in doing so took in the rest of the destruction the surrounded him. The scene matched his emotional state. Chairs were overturned and belongings were broken. Picture frames and their memory contents were strewn about the lounge like the were simply discarded rubbish that now held the same value as a bottle top. Jensen wanted to give in to the whimper that was building inside of him however he wouldn’t allow himself to crumble now. He just had to keep it together a few moments longer.

 

He tilted his head back as far as it would go, his back wrenching in protest, and drained the remainder of the whiskey from the glass. Only then did he notice that his other hand was still clenched tightly into a fist. As with his other hand this fist was sprinkled lightly with the blood of his love however he could feel the item inside cutting deep into his hand as he clutched it so tight. He knew the item in his palm was not only causing him physical pain, the emotional pain of it was much worse. He slowly opened his palm to reveal the object of his pain. The small but beautiful engagement ring stared back at him, unaware that it could be the cause of such destruction. More tears slipped down his cheek as Jensen shook his head. He knew he had to keep this together.

 

Noise at the stairs caught his attention and as he slowly turned to take in the scene he saw Jared hobbling down the stairs. He watched as Jared came to a standstill at the bottom of the stairs and take in the scene around them like he was only witnessing it for the first time. Jensen fought opposing desires wishing he could sink into the couch and become invisible and going to Jared’s side. Jared’s gaze met his and just for the moment Jensen could see the desperation and pleading look of Jared wanting everything to work out and be ok. Jensen opened his mouth to speak but the temperament of Jared’s beautiful eyes changed just as quickly. He spoke “I’ll see you on the set.”

 

Jared turned and walked towards the front door through the open hallway. Jensen had noticed that Jared had cleaned himself up and was only slightly limping. He wanted to do all he could to make the pain ease for Jared but he knew that wasn’t within his power and as such he wanted to be no where near the now damaged version of his best friend and lover. Jensen watched as Jared reached for the door handle, slowly opening it to reveal his exit. Jared turned and Jensen knew they were both watching as the vase slowly tipped from the table and fell to its untimely demise, smashing into pieces. Jared spoke quietly “I loved that vase” before turning to walk out.

 

“Jay…” Jensen began before he knew what he was doing.

 

Jensen could only watch as his spoken word had the impact he wished it wouldn’t. Jared stopped dead in his tracks and he whole body began convulsing. Jensen wished he could take his eyes off him but his body refused. Punishing Jensen by making him watch. Jared turned back to Jensen, once again locking eyes. Jensen could see the tears cascading down his cheek. “No Jensen. No. You don’t get to do that to me. You smashed everything we had” Jared turned again to face the sunlight streaming through the door. As he began to walk out Jensen heard him finish “I hope she likes the ring.”


	2. Chapter 2

  
Author's notes: I'm not 100% sure where this is leading but maybe there is more to tell...  


* * *

3 Days Later

 

Jensen could still feel the aches and pains in his body as he climbed from his seat in the car and out into the fresh early morning air of Vancouver. He’d wished that he didn’t have an early call that morning. What he wouldn’t give to be able to crawl into a hole and imagine that everything that was occurring was just a dream. His assistant Beth had seen him arrive and was making a beeline directly to him. “Jen you sneaky man, I was beginning to think that maybe you didn’t have it in you to do it!” Beth’s excitement was encouraging to say the least.

“I’m sorry I didn’t say anything Beth, just something I had to do alone you know” Jensen mumbled before turning to head straight to his trailer.

Before he could get more then two steps he felt a stab in his arm. Instinctively he winced in pain and turned his body away from his attacker. Looking back he saw that Beth had simply reached out and grabbed his arm. He could see the look on Beth’s face as she struggled with the comprehension of what had just happened. Jensen gathered himself “Sorry Beth, in all the excitement over the weekend it got a bit over the top and I fell down some stairs at home. I’m ok though” he reassured her patting her lightly on the shoulder “Just no rough play with me for a while ok” he said finishing with a wink and dazzling smile.

Jensen knew enough of himself to know that he could astound some people with his charm and looks. He didn’t ask for it, but just knew that it was one of the things the man upstairs had blessed him with. Occasionally he found himself using it to distract others from something he didn’t want them to know although he was never able to do this to Jared. ‘No’ his mind warned before it wandered off down the Jared path again ‘not today Jen, today will be the hardest, lets just get through this’ it reminded him.

He could see Beth’s lips moving and knew he should be listening but his entire focus was on controlling his mind but was immediately pulled from his thoughts when he heard the name. “Sorry Beth what did you say?”

Jensen took a look around and got his bearings as he waited for her answer ‘act natural’ he reminded himself.

“Jared won’t be in until after lunch today”

“Why not?” a hint of concern had entered his voice.

“Oh just something about reshuffling his scenes as the set wasn’t ready. Nothing serious I promise so you can take that worried look off your face.”

“Who was worried?” Jensen brushed it off turning to the seat that had his name marked on it. 

Lost in his thoughts Beth had led him to the makeup trailer to be made up for his Dean scenes. “Well I’ll let you get too it then” Beth remarked “Some of the girls and I are putting together a congratulations basket for Danneel, is that ok?”.

Jensen just nodded, whether he consented or not he knew the girls on the set were going to make this into a massive deal. He settled into the comfort of his chair and closed his eyes, again wishing that the world would simply open up and swallow him whole.

 

“Cut! Jensen that was great, we’ll re-set and be ready to move onto scenes between you and Jared after lunch. Everyone take 40”.

Jensen barely acknowledged the director before shrugging out of his Dean jacket and heading straight towards Jared’s trailer. He knew it wasn’t a great idea but he needed to know that 1. Jared was alive and 2. That they were going to be able to do this. He knew Jared had arrived as Beth had advised him during one of the breaks in shooting. She was always informing Jensen of Jared’s movements, seemingly reading his mind at times when he wondered wistfully at where Jared might be. Today however Jensen had just reacted like it was of no importance too him. “Thanks for that Beth but as you can see I’m a little busy here, I don’t need to know when Mr. I get a morning off arrives to the damn set.”

At that Beth had turned on her heels and was moping at the catering table. Every time he caught he eye all he could see was her confusion at what had happened. Jensen knew he should apologise but he didn’t have the time at the moment.

 

Jensen knocked and waited. After 10 seconds he simply turned the handle and barged his way into Jared’s trailer surprised to find that the door wasn’t locked. He took in the surroundings he found himself in. Jared’s trailer was tidy and well kept the way that Jared always kept his old room at home. Everything had its place. Jensen scanned the room waiting for Jared to jump out from a corner and attack him but it never came. Music was quietly playing from the television that distracted Jensen until he heard the running water coming from the bathroom. Not content to wait to have this discussion Jensen opened the door into the cramped bathroom. A wave of steam hit Jensen’s face before he could take in too much of the scene. As his eyes adjusted Jensen could make out Jared’s form under the water jet of his shower. He expected Jared to turn to see who had come in, or at least yell for them to get out but nothing happened instead he was met with “What are you doing here?” in a sad tone.

“I’m sorry I shouldn’t be in here,” Jensen stammered backing towards the door out.

“It’s fine Jensen, nothing new since two weeks ago” Jensen thought he almost heard humour in Jared’s voice but if it was there is was covered in layer upon layer of discontent.

“I’m sorry, I just wanted to check on you, make sure that you’re ok to do this today” Jensen blushed. He wasn’t sure why he felt embarrassed he just knew that this was a place that he shouldn’t be anymore. “I’ll wait for you out here.”

Jensen didn’t wait for Jared to respond before slipping out the door and squeezing his eyes shut in an effort to drive Jared’s naked form from his mind.


	3. Chapter 3

  
Author's notes: when a relationship ends it never truly dies... remnants of that love will linger forever. Can you think of one that you'd never wish you'd let slip through ur fingers... will that happen here?!?  


* * *

**That Afternoon**

 

Jensen knew that they were struggling. He’d ran out of Jared’s trailer as quickly as he’d entered and avoided him until their call to set. And now they were flubbing everything and the feel between the two of them.. well. He could see on the faces of the crew as they watched on, confused as hell, at what was unfolding before them. Thankfully Sera was the director of the week and was keeping a tight reign on her frustrations but even her usually diplomatic persona was quickly vanishing. “Ok cut guys. I think we’re all just really tired and we’ll leave it here for a day alright?”

Jensen could feel Jared eyes on him again but he couldn’t raise his head up to meet the gaze. “I’m happy to hang around and shoot the my single fights scenes if that makes it any easier Sera?” Jensen was clutching at straws and he knew it. He just felt terrible that he was letting his work suffer because of his personal life but then again he knew that his and Jared personal life was one of the secrets to success of the show. The powers that be knew it too. They knew if they had unhappy lead actors, especially unhappy in their relationship with one and other, then they had nothing. There’d only been one other time that the relationship between Jared and himself had affected shooting and it’d been when Jared had wanted to come out to his family and Jensen had refused to be a part of it. That week they shot barely anything and had been hauled into the offices of the CW for a pow-wow with the big guns. Basically it had been a counselling session for the two to see if there was anything they could do to get things back to normal. Jensen knew that there was no way either Jared or himself was going to let them in on what was going on so they agreed that they’d work it out themselves and eventually they did. That first major crack in the Jared / Jensen relationship had ultimately sealed it’s fate. Jared caved in, Jensen distanced himself and invested in a healthier, public wise, relationship with Danneel. Jensen was so lost in his own thoughts that he didn’t even acknowledge that Sera had replied. “Jensen!” his name being called snapped him out of it. His eyes shot up to meet Sera’s whose whole face was a minefield of anger. “You can’t even concentrate on a conversation, no wonder bloody Jared and yourself can’t get this scene together. Enough. Go home, go where ever, but bring the normal Jared and Jensen tomorrow.” Jensen let his head hang again. He didn’t want to face anyone and he got the feeling that they knew it. 

 

The crew had quickly dissipated, some clearly pleased with the imploding co-stars as it meant an early day. Jensen stood for what seemed like hours letting his head fill up with everything he wished he could just forget. A cough brought him back to his present. Jensen was exceptionally aware that Jared was still standing a mere 3 feet away from him and just wished he would leave. “Jen we’ve got to get this shit sorted. We said we’d never let us affect our show again. We’ve got a duty to our fans.” Jared had stepped closer and it was too much for Jensen. Too much humiliation, too much thinking, too much Jared.

“Fuck our fans Jared. I don’t know if I can do this anymore.”

Jared laid his hand on Jensen’s should before he shook it off and made an attempted break for the exit. “You’re just going to run away from this then?!” Jensen could hear the clear anger in Jared’s words and it only served to ignite his own anger. And so he turned and gave Jared what for. “Me run away? Fucking me run away Jared? Seriously dude. You’re the most important thing in my life and I come to you as a friend, as someone I rely on, to tell you that against everything I want I’m going to do what’s right. You punch me. We basically almost kill one and other and I’m left with you running out the door. Remembering any of this Jay. And you think I’m running away?!” Jensen feels like he has sprung a leak. Like everything is leaking out and he can’t find the whole to plug it.

Jared looked like he was about to explode. Jensen took another step back our of sheer fear of the towering giant. Jared’s hands were curled into fists and Jensen could see all the veins in his head pumping. Jared took a step forward sucking in a massive breath and then explode he did and Jensen was almost knocked from his feet. “You fucking ran away from ME to HER!”. Jensen could almost feel the words hitting before he turned and caved into himself awaiting the flying punches or tackle that he was sure was coming. Instead all he could hear was his own laboured breathing sounding as though he had just been in a 10 round fight. Jensen turned back to Jared only to find him crumpled into a big pile of Jared on the floor, heaving and turning like he was wrestling some unimaginable pain, sobs clearly cutting through the silence that had engulfed the now empty set. Jensen took a step towards Jared before stopping himself. If he went to Jared now he’d just be reigniting what may have just been doused in Jared. Maybe that was all that Jared had left of Jensen in him and finally in one painful, for the both of them, blow Jared had just let Jensen go. Jensen took one long look at Jared before turning and running off the set.


	4. Chapter 4

**That night.**

 

“Fucking get in the bag” Jensen was grumbling out loud to his clothes as he was stuffing them into his duffle bag. He knew this was bad now. Talking out loud to inanimate objects. Wow he was really letting things get under his skin. But all Jensen could really focus on was his need to escape Vancouver, Supernatural and find Danneel and get married as quickly as he could. Jensen’s small hotel room held little in the way of person objects. Everything he really owned still resided at Jared’s house but there was no way he was going over there. Jensen was drowning out the voice in his mind or at least muddling it by taking shots of tequila and it was making his life as difficult as much as helping him. Jensen hadn’t heard the door of his hotel room open and click shut and when he heard the voice he almost jumped out of the window. “No wonder your having trouble packing Jensen, you’ve almost downed the bottle” Jared mused picking up the almost empty bottle of tequila.

Jensen settled his breathing rate to some thing that resembled normal “Fuck Jared, you scared the shit out of me. What are you doing here anyway? How did you find me?”

Jensen looked long and hard at Jared. It seemed as though his assumption of Jared at the set was correct. There was something different about him, something removed, something cold.

“Well you couldn’t go anywhere without this” Jared answered pulling out Jensen’s passport from his back pocket “I knew that you were serious about leaving and well, you’re not one for long goodbyes”

Jared tossed the passport onto Jensen’s bag before moving to sit on the end of the bed never really meeting Jensen’s gaze. “So” he sighed “it’s really all over.”

Jensen opened his mouth to answer before he realised that it actually wasn’t a question.

“I’m really sorry Jay, I’ve just got to do this” Jensen felt at a loss. He didn’t know how or when or where exactly but everything in the world that made him truly happy was disappearing and he was mostly to blame.

“Don’t apologise Jensen. It’s a decision that you’ve made consciously and I really honestly do not want your apology. You’ve played me for so long, please don’t act like its ok to act decently now” Jensen tried to ignore the barbs.

“No worries Jay. Consider that apology rescinded. Now that you’ve dropped off the passport so I can get out of here is there anything else I can help you with or are you just hanging around to be a pain in my ass?” Jensen didn’t want to fight fire with fire but he was never that great at controlling his temper. Jared stood quickly up from off the bed like he had been burnt by it. His gaze slowly moved throughout the room before it came to rest on Jensen. For once Jensen couldn’t actually read Jared by his face. He could see something there but could not for the life of him work out what it was. He opened his mouth to once again ask if there was something Jared wanted but before he could get a sound out he was slammed into the wall by two extremely strong arms attached to an even stronger man. Jared’s mouth was on his in seconds cutting off any attempt Jensen could have thought of to cry out. Jared had invaded Jensen’s mouth before Jensen had the chance to push him away. Jensen could feel Jared’s hands pinning his arms to his side as he tried to wiggle free. ‘Fine. Just let him have his last moment’ Jensen’s mind cried out.

Jensen relaxed his body and allowed Jared to take control. Jared’s hands loosened from Jensen’s arms and were quickly up inside Jensen’s tee mapping every inch of his chest and paying particular attention to Jensen’s sweet spots. Jensen’s body released a groan as it melded itself into Jared’s exploring arms. Jensen was very sure that any coherent though of fighting Jared off had been expertly removed by Jared’s skilful tongue. Jensen could feel something in the middle of his body begin to tighten, his heart was racing and suddenly his hands were on Jared, on firmly planted in Jared’s hair holding him at the perfect angle, the other niftily manoeuvring as if by magic inside Jared’s pants to grab his engorged cock. As soon as Jensen’s hand touched Jared’s skin everything about the last few days vanished. His body had been craving Jared’s so deeply that it had literally cut off all avenues to Jensen’s heart to save him from falling into deep depression. Now that it was reunited with what it wanted Jensen’s heart sprang back to life and filled his body with nothing but love and passion for the man in his arms.


End file.
